Just a heads up, this isn't a post about religion, it's a post about my really nice neighbors who are actual Good Christians, and how I could never be like them because I believe they are of another, much more stable and pleasant, species.
Me though? I'm a lazy, swearing, psychopathic monster without the desire to change.
But I can't just leave it at that, I must share examples. I'm an example gal. You know how I am.
So, take the other morning for instance. I'm sitting in my car before leaving for work. It's approximately 25 degrees out (no, really, NorCal gets cold, y'all) and the dog is actually shivering in the back seat even though she's not some pansy small dog with a pink diamond collar or anything.
So, we're sitting there and I'm fucking around on my phone checking email and posting pictures of the shivering dog on Facebook while I wait for my windshield wipers set on Super Wipe to work in concert with the defroster set on Blast Furnace to eventually clear my windshield of the ice I'm unable to scrape off due to the recent complete destruction of my ice scraper.
I'm all entranced in my world of Facebook bullshit, being lulled into submission by the SCRITCH SCRITCH of the wipers going back and forth with all their might over the icy glass when, suddenly, it stops. The scritching stops and I look up and What in the good god damn?...there's water cascading down my windshield.
And despite the fact that I had gone running that morning and knew full well that it was a bright, clear and muther effingly cold morning, I said aloud (to the dog, I suppose), What? Is it fucking RAINING now?
As though rain ever cascades down a windshield.
No, in fact, it was not fucking raining. It just so happened that my fabulously nice and thoughtful neighbor, upon seeing my car curbed and in full fruitless SCRITCH SCRITCH ice removal mode, went into his house, got a cup of warm water, and poured it on my windshield so that I - presumed to be relaxing in my heathen den of hellishness - would come out to find my car's windshield clear and ready for take off.
Except I was in the car yelling incoherent obscenities at nonexistent weather conditions.
When he saw that I was actually IN the car, and had with me a shivering dog in the backseat, he APOLOGIZED to me as I rolled the window down to thank him for saving me from my own boundless stupidity and laziness.
"Oh! I hope I didn't scare you! I just thought I'd make it easier on you so that when you came out the car would be ready to go."
I really don't hug this man enough. Or, ever, really, because I think it'd freak him out. Needless to say, besides the fact that he's absolutely 100% kind and friendly to me and never outwardly judges me, I don't think he quite knows what to do with me.
I swear, wear clothes of questionable integrity to work in the yard, drink in public view frequently and have lacksidasical approaches to most things that call for proprietary tools and/or hot water. I'm sure he thinks I'm mentally retarded.
Maybe that's why he's so nice to me?
Anyway - he's still super nice to me, treats me like a peer and goes out of his way to help me when Bubba's out of town or he just thinks I could use a hand.
I, on the other hand, agree to take care of their garden when they're out of town because it means I'll get to rape their apricot tree.
See? I could never be a Good Christian.