Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Why I could never be a good Christian

Just a heads up, this isn't a post about religion, it's a post about my really nice neighbors who are actual Good Christians, and how I could never be like them because I believe they are of another, much more stable and pleasant, species.

Me though? I'm a lazy, swearing, psychopathic monster without the desire to change.

But I can't just leave it at that, I must share examples. I'm an example gal. You know how I am.

So, take the other morning for instance. I'm sitting in my car before leaving for work. It's approximately 25 degrees out (no, really, NorCal gets cold, y'all) and the dog is actually shivering in the back seat even though she's not some pansy small dog with a pink diamond collar or anything.

So, we're sitting there and I'm fucking around on my phone checking email and posting pictures of the shivering dog on Facebook while I wait for my windshield wipers set on Super Wipe to work in concert with the defroster set on Blast Furnace to eventually clear my windshield of the ice I'm unable to scrape off due to the recent complete destruction of my ice scraper.

I'm all entranced in my world of Facebook bullshit, being lulled into submission by the SCRITCH SCRITCH of the wipers going back and forth with all their might over the icy glass when, suddenly, it stops. The scritching stops and I look up and What in the good god damn?...there's water cascading down my windshield.

And despite the fact that I had gone running that morning and knew full well that it was a bright, clear and muther effingly cold morning, I said aloud (to the dog, I suppose), What? Is it fucking RAINING now?

As though rain ever cascades down a windshield.

No, in fact, it was not fucking raining. It just so happened that my fabulously nice and thoughtful neighbor, upon seeing my car curbed and in full fruitless SCRITCH SCRITCH ice removal mode, went into his house, got a cup of warm water, and poured it on my windshield so that I - presumed to be relaxing in my heathen den of hellishness - would come out to find my car's windshield clear and ready for take off.

Except I was in the car yelling incoherent obscenities at nonexistent weather conditions.

When he saw that I was actually IN the car, and had with me a shivering dog in the backseat, he APOLOGIZED to me as I rolled the window down to thank him for saving me from my own boundless stupidity and laziness.

"Oh! I hope I didn't scare you! I just thought I'd make it easier on you so that when you came out the car would be ready to go."

I really don't hug this man enough. Or, ever, really, because I think it'd freak him out. Needless to say, besides the fact that he's absolutely 100% kind and friendly to me and never outwardly judges me, I don't think he quite knows what to do with me.

I swear, wear clothes of questionable integrity to work in the yard, drink in public view frequently and have lacksidasical approaches to most things that call for proprietary tools and/or hot water. I'm sure he thinks I'm mentally retarded.

Maybe that's why he's so nice to me?

Anyway - he's still super nice to me, treats me like a peer and goes out of his way to help me when Bubba's out of town or he just thinks I could use a hand.

I, on the other hand, agree to take care of their garden when they're out of town because it means I'll get to rape their apricot tree.

See? I could never be a Good Christian.


  1. You're a complete nut. :-) I can see why you were startled to see the waterfall on your windshield.

  2. Oh Finny. You always see the good in people (wait, you do, don't you?) Your scritch scritch (hilarious) was probably just keeping him awake that early in the morning!

  3. Lera - I know. It's becoming more obvious by the day. Still love me, K?

    Thimbleanna - If he weren't out there pouring water on his own car, I'd totally be worried that you are totally right.

    Thankfully, he was going to work, too, and just had pity on me and my poor overworked windshield wipers.

  4. LOL! Well I have nice neighbors like that too but then they turn all pissy when you don't want to sign their petition to ban gay marriage. Go figure.

  5. Wow, It's like I wrote this article myself except it would be named "Why I could never be a good Mormon", and instead of pouring hot water on my windshield it would be about how the neighbors and all their kids come over to ask us if we want to go play kickball!

    PS- Got my box of randomness. Used the gerkins in our martinis. Havent had the heart to crack the tomatoes yet!!! LOVED IT, made my x-mas! Thank you finny!!!

  6. I have next door neighbors just like that. What is even cooler though, is he is a bus driver/pastor and she is a teacher, and they have a gay adult son who they love and adore.

    Pretty much all my neighbors up and down the whole block are the same way, homeowners trying to be decent to each other (it's a rare pocket of neighborliness in a not-so-nice part of down).

    I wouldn't trade my neighbors for anything, and will sorely miss them when they/I ever move.

    Love your blog, btw. I've been lurking for over a year now.

  7. Mom Taxi- Boo!

    There was a lot of controversy on our street (what with the yard signage) when Prop 8 was on the ballot. These particular neighbors though - they didn't put up signs and they didn't discuss the matter. I suspect they're not for it, but out of respect to our many gay neighbors, I think they just kept the matter to themselves.

    Or, perhaps they were secret No on Prop 8ers! That would be sweet. We, meanwhile, had No on 8 signs in our yard facing our other neighbors who had Yes on 8 signs.

    It was a mess.

    These guys though? Solid.

    Jenny - I'm not sure kickball would be as well received by our household. I value the state of my windshield much higher than that of, say, a red bouncing ball flying at my face, but still - yes. We aren't joining any organized religions with enthusiasm any day soon, eh?

    SO glad you got your Box O Random and that you're actually enjoying the contents. Fun! Gherkins in martinis? GIRL - you are a genius.

    Worthless Sack - #1 Funny name. I like. #2 We probably won't ever move because we love our neighbors so much. All of them except the one shitty house of meanies. #3 Happy Delurking! Come back and comment, now.

  8. Definitely NO on the organized religion. I'll leave that for the "super nice" neighbors. As sweet as they are to us, I'm pretty sure they wouldn't want us at their church!


[2013 update: You can't comment as an anonymous person anymore. Too many douchebags were leaving bullshit SPAM comments and my inbox was getting flooded, but if you're here to comment in a real way like a real person, go to it.]

Look at you commenting, that's fun.

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Sucks, right?

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But, if you ever want to email me directly to talk about pumpkins or shoes or what it's like to spend a good part of your day Swiffering - shoot me an email to finnyknitsATgmailDOTcom.