Thursday, October 18, 2012

I am the biggest nerd. Also, old.

Please tell me you have these moments, too:
  • Someone sends you (in some social media-y way usually) a word that you have never heard before and don't believe exists in the English language and then you have to break down and ask (or in the case of Urban Dictionary, search) what the hell it means.
    Example: FASHO
  • You see a billboard advertising the 20th anniversary of a movie that you saw IN THE THEATER.
  • Packing for a Girls Weekend involves trying on every item of clothing you have, throwing it all on the floor and heading straight for the liquor cabinet.
  • You get to the liquor cabinet and try to cheer yourself up that at least you *have* a liquor cabinet because as a kid you used to think it'd be great that one day you'd have one and it wouldn't have a lock on it but then you open it and realize it has all the same boring crap in it that your parents' had and no, like, Zima or Bacardi or anything.

    Then you remember that that stuff is all disgusting and that gin and bourbon are better anyway.

    Which is SO something an old person would say.

  • You consider buying Sensodyne toothpaste.
  • Some woman on Dr. Oz is talking about her three simultaneous strokes, which OBVIOUSLY doesn't apply to you since you're in your mid-30s, and then says that she's 38 years old.
  • When people say things like, "You are too young to remember this but..." you actually *aren't* too young and you totally remember and, what's worse, you can remember things about it that they can not.
  • Some gal in class is listening to Sheena Easton all ironically and, when you make a comment about Ms. Easton's odd foray into bilingual vocals, she looks at you like you're retarded.
  • You say, "gal".
Because it makes me feel better that I'm not the only one who has daily moments of HOLY SHIT I'M EFFING OLD mixed in with other equally horrifying moments of HOLY SHIT I'M A TOTAL NERD. 

Like I was saying about today, for instance, when I was attempting to pack for our Girls Weekend and realizing that the way I pack is totally nerdy.

And that everything in my life is getting pretty nerdy.

I am a nerd.

See, for me to pack for any trip, I have to write out a list of everything I'm bringing (I have a Google Doc template and if you're secure enough in your nerdiness, you may request it and I may give you the link. NERD ALERT. And you guys are officially nerds, too, so here you go.). 

Then I have to take that list on my laptop to my bedroom and pull everything for each outfit from the closet/shelves/dresser including underwear, socks, bras, accessories and shoes. 

Then I have to try on each outfit to make 100% sure that I like it the same way I used to/that it doesn't make me suddenly (or still) look like a total heifer/it hasn't been mysteriously ruined/you can't see my nipples.

Then I'd like to say that I pack the outfits away into my bag and I'm done, but that quite literally is never the case.

No, inevitably, there is at least one outfit that needs major adjustments or burning in the yard.

Today, as I confidently pulled out the pieces for my Girls Weekend 2012 weekend, I thought I was going to experience Time #1 when everything would be just right.

I'm so dumb.

I tried on all the outfits and a few of them were OK (FYI: I count jammies as an outfit. THANK GOD.), but some were horrific and I thought briefly of locating a lighter. So, I had to do that put-on-everything-take-everything-off-give-up-and-go-with-the-first-outfit thing that is my worst nightmare when I start this whole process.

But not before creating a giant heap of clothes on my bed and deciding to just bring everything. Which, for the record, is my second worst nightmare when starting the packing process - the I-don't-know-what-to-wear-fuck-it-just-bring-everything thing. Thankfully, I didn't have to resort to the pre-Vegas weekend packing strategy of Just Wear Whatever Shows The Most Cleave.

But I'm afraid I can't break myself of this packing ritual of mine and, worse yet, I'll have to summon the endurance for a weekend of confident strutting about in these carefully chosen outfits as though I meant to do this, yes my boobs are supposed to stick out that much and no I did not pack everything I own.

Because certainly I am the only one who is this neurotic about packing.

Also, I have two ditty bags so that I can keep my clean underthings separate from my worn underthings and also so that my worn underthings don't touch my dirty clothes.

And my shoes all have bags.

I think that's it.


  1. Yes. All of it. Today. Since I am flying tomorrow to spend the weekend with Kelli. Can't I hire someone to go through this pain for me?

    1. You should know that I'm very jealous of your birthday weekend with Kelli. Please hug her viciously for me and then tell her that Finny loves her and will see her very soon and that I hope her birthday present has shown up already because if not I will kill the postman.

      But, no, sadly I don't know of anyone who can go through this for you, but I definitely *get it*. Be strong! Or drink. You know, whatever.

  2. I am 35 and back in college working on a new career, too. I feel old, and nerdy, and fat, and ugly, and boring as I am surrounded by beautiful, well-dressed 21 year-old girls (well, there's one token boy in my class). I could use a girls' weekend but instead I am cramming for a huge exam and throwing a very haunty Halloween party for my kids. Can I have the keys to YOUR liquor cabinet? Please?

    1. Hell, girl, we don't have it locked! You could just swig your way to well-adjustedness around here. Which is my coping mechanism anyway.

      I'm also spared the "beautiful, well-dressed" bit since horticulture students aren't exactly known for their ability to dress themselves in clean clothes or, you know, run a comb through their hair. And for this I am grateful.

  3. I am SO GLAD to hear that you are a freakish packer as well! I start my lists a few days in advance, and mine are pretty lengthy as I have to pack not just for myself, but also for my husband. And our son. And various medications for both of them. It's exhausting, really. And I would love to have your template!

    1. Added it to the post - but here you go, special:

  4. I make anal-retentive lists for packing because I'm usually packing for three and I always forget something if I pack on the fly. As long as I don't forget the major things it's not a total loss. But, I always forget something pseudo-important if I'm packing quickly (like bringing my contact case & solution but forgetting my glasses).

    1. I'm always amazed by people who pack for others. How do people get out of packing for themselves? I want to learn this skill.

  5. Hi, I'm Melanie and I'm a compulsive list maker. I keep mine on my iPhone in my fancy app that keeps all my other compulsively organized lists.

  6. #1: Please do send me the link to your Google Doc
    #2: Jammies are outfits
    #3: I, too, always bring 1-2 empty bags when I travel for dirty underthings
    #4: I have invisible compartments that I make up for my suitcase for different categories of clothing, i.e. underwear must go to the upper left hand corner and pants must go toward the bottom of the suitcase (when it's standing up)
    #5: Do you knees hurt/are sore a little from time to time when you stand up from sitting in your chair/couch for a long time? By "a long time" in my age, I mean like an hour.
    I'm heading home now to polish off some of that scotch that's sitting on my kitchen counter/liquor cabinet

    1. For you, Fu? ANYTHING:

      I woke up with a sore back this morning because I DO NOT KNOW WHY. I think "Old" may be the reason.

      Enjoy your scotch, you sexy gal.

  7. My parents didn't have a liquor cabinet. They had, like, three bottles of liquor that I can remember. They just didn't drink. Which is funny, because they drink a little now, and when they come to my house, they request that I make them special cocktails.

    I'm not sure if that makes me more or less cool than them. But I for sure did not acquire my taste for Sidecars and G&Ts from them.

    1. Coming by your tastes honestly is way classier anyway ;)

  8. Dude, girls weekend is code for pajamas and hot dresses. ANd maybe bikinis if you are heading to a tropical destination. In other words, pjs COUNT.

    I'm going away this weekend and in my nerdy glory was just thinking how I needed to just own up to my anal nerdiness and make a spreadsheet like this very one (I already have one for car camping trips and one for backpacking trips). You've saved me an hour and for that, I salute you with my scotch. Which I drink neat, thankyouverymuch.

    I'm actually a 33 yr old woman, but given that I a) drink my scotch neat and b) have a cask at the Maker's Mark distillery with my name on it (I'm a whiskey ambassador, spreading the good word), you'd never know it.

    1. Ah yes - Bubba has a cask at Maker's, too. I think he's considering that to be our retirement home.

  9. There is so much here to which I can relate -- waayyy too much, and that's probably because I'm EVEN OLDER than you (so old!) -- but I'll leave you with this: One of the things I spent way too much time making this year was a bunch of "wash" and "wear" travel bags, and couldn't decide whether or not to move on to shoe bags. Am I the only one totally grossed out by the thought of the filthy soles of my shoes walking all over my clothes? Or the plastic hotel bags that normal people use to stash their unclean 'roos? And I really don't like the thought of the clean ones strewn about on a luggage carousel, for that matter. Happy to see I'm not alone. Also, if you're not writing a packing list, ya ain't thinking.
    Enjoy your weekend!

  10. My absolute favorite part of your google doc is that you have EXAMPLES of what "Day" and "Shirt" could possibly mean. Dork.

    1. Sometimes people don't know what I mean. This way I don't have to answer stupid questions and then secretly hate anyone.

  11. You know you're old when people younger than you start complaining that they are old ;)

    That being said I'm always the "oldest" one in the room I work in at work. Which is just awesome when you make reference to something and everyone just looks at you and blinks because they weren't even BORN YET when that happened.

    1. I just assume that anyone giving me a blank stare is simple and deserves a slap. Sorts out a lot of nonsense.

  12. I pack an hour before leaving or else I obsess and end up in tears with a giant pile of "things that don't fit right or match" on the floor next to me. Something about the pressure makes me pack without major hysterics. However, I also improvise with recipes - which probably would also make you crazy.....

    I miss having a drinking buddy at bookclub and your general finny ways. xo

  13. I forgive you for improvising, as I do the same. Sometimes. OK...rarely.



[2013 update: You can't comment as an anonymous person anymore. Too many douchebags were leaving bullshit SPAM comments and my inbox was getting flooded, but if you're here to comment in a real way like a real person, go to it.]

Look at you commenting, that's fun.

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Sucks, right?

Anyway, to remedy this, I usually come back to my posts and post replies in the comment field with you.

But, if you ever want to email me directly to talk about pumpkins or shoes or what it's like to spend a good part of your day Swiffering - shoot me an email to finnyknitsATgmailDOTcom.