Thursday, January 12, 2012

Old and weird

Pretty sure that after our Movie Date the other DAY, Bubba and I have safely arrived in the Old and Weird category.

Because Young Finny would make unmerciful fun of the two of us, if the space time continuum would allow such things to happen. Thankfully IT won't because IT is something only available for fucking with in Star Trek and other similarly made up universes, so we're safe from that embarrassing moment, but only inasmuch as the non-existence of interstellar spaceflight will allow. Thank goodness for the Prime Directive.

See - that right there is evidence of Weird already.

Ugh. We're doomed.

Anyway, we were off work for a few days after all the kilt-flipping and snow enema fun of Scotland and Austria, respectively, and I thought it time for us to go to the movies so that I could watch my boyfriends Robert Downey Jr. and Jude Law run dirty and in slow-mo in Sherlock Holmes II.

But because we're us, we don't go to see movies on a Friday night after having a dinner of over-sauced and unnecessarily chickened pasta at a local chain restaurant and then proceed to engage in a coy scene of clandestine making out in a crowded sea of strangers in a packed theater like we imagine some normal people might.


We go on a Friday MORNING at 11am for the $5 SUPER matinee. After showing up all early-birdish to the theater 30 minutes ahead of showtime where the manager (still unraveling his belt-mounted spool of ancient keys) tells us that the theater's not even open yet so please come back in half an hour.


SO, at that point, we wandered off to search up 30 minutes' worth of entertainment in the dreariest and most hopeless looking strip mall a person could imagine.

Hopeless until we spied the Dollar Tree store, that is.

The fact that we immediately locked eyes and practically high-fived over this non-find should tell you something about us as a couple.

Firstly, that we are ridiculous people who have spent way too long in each others' company to be able to know that crossing a dollar store is a no-duh sign of guaranteed entertainment and secondly, that THANK GOD we found each other over a decade ago and later decided to marry because it's pretty obvious that no one else is going to take either of us freaks.

Because we basically high-fived with our eyeballs in front of the Dollar Tree.

I believe I said something to the effect of, "Oh hell yeah! We can totally piss away half an hour in THERE!"

After which time we proceeded to spend 30 bliss-filled minutes entertaining one another in their casually arranged aisles which were amply stocked with every toy, candy, holiday decor item, kitchen gadget and questionable wearable that's been pulled from shelves of more reputable stores due to health code, safety or NAFTA violations in the last 30 years.

Yep. CUH-lassy.

But, all Oldness and Weirdness aside, I know that I can't be the only one to find dollar stores FANTASTICALLY entertaining.

Out yourselves, people - tell the world what fabulous fun you've found in a dollar store.

Shy? Self-conscious? Afraid the world will judge you for buying sacks of Ring Pops and then putting them all on your fingers to lick and eat in one grand corn syrup binge?

Fear not! Allow me to provide a segue:

LOOK AT ALL THE COOL SHIT WE FOUND. Which, by the way, is probably no longer available (or never was) in normal stores.

Fun Dips were right next to these. Both are horrifying in their whimsy and nausea inducing in their nostalgia.
Gummy fruit flavored sharks candy on a stick. WHY DID I NOT KNOW THIS EXISTED?

To be truthful, I've never had one of these. But seeing them all stacked up like this made we want them. And the weird dollar candy next to them.

It took all of my meager willpower to NOT buy ALL of these. I only got one bag. And I've regretted not buying the rest ever since. I may be going back unsupervised so that I don't have to catch Bubba's questioning gaze as I load up a cart with their entire stock. And then ask if there are more "In The Back".

We batted around some suggested improvements on names: Bubba thought, "Batpoo" held merit, while I suggested a further refinement on his apt idea, simply "Guano." I'm all about truth in advertising, people.

I daresay there's nothing "REAL" about these snacks. Though that doesn't make me want them any less. In fact, the unREALness of them and the fact that the packaging is in both English and Spanish sort of makes me want them MORE. I guess I'm just a daredevil like that.
Unfortunately, those are all the photos I took because I was forced to end my exploration prematurely so that we could make it to the stupid movie on time to get a giant sack of popcorn (Which, did you know that if you go to the first movie of the day that you get the freshest popcorn? You do. It's amazing and wonderful and worth being the only person under the age of 85 at the theater at that hour.) and I still had three more aisles to explore before I could even consider leaving the store.

Before we left, we both made some purchases.

After careful consideration, Bubba got some movie candy for $.79 (Good n Plenty and Spree, from what I can recall - not too daredevily) and nothing else that I can remember and I got a metal strainer (like you'd use for spaghetti), a sack of Ring Pops (only one sack though! Sadness!) and another item I can no longer remember because obviously it was really awesome and necessary.

My plans for a return visit?

TO BUY ALL THE RING POPS THEY HAVE and then live out my life's dream of putting one on each finger and toe and driving myself over the edge of sanity by eating them all in one sitting. Potentially while nude.

Oh, and the movie was pretty good, too. Because we did end up going. And then we had the whole theater to ourselves because, did I mention that it was 11am on a Friday and we were in the smallest weirdest theater in all of America? And in this theater we had all to ourselves, we talked loudly to one another, just like we would have at home, kicked our feet up on the rail in front of us (because we were obviously sitting in the Cowboy Row) and, when Bubba found he was not man enough for his Medium sized popcorn (I had gotten a small because I'm obviously very dainty), he very aggressively "refilled" my popcorn by dumping it blindly from his bag toward mine.

There may have been some popcorn on the floor when we left, is what I'm saying.

Also, we ate all of our candy, drank a gigantic soda, criticized and commented on the movie as it went by and generally had an excellent date of it.

At one point, upon leaving the theater/scene of the crime, I told Bubba that it was the best date ever.

Then we went home, got our bikes and rode for tacos.

I'll tell you what, that guy sure does know how to show a girl a good time.


  1. I've been doing that with the matinees for years. Which means I've been old for a long, long time. I'm okay with that. Due to my husband's distaste for anything culturally relevant and inability to sit still for longer than 30 minutes, I always go by myself, and I don't want to sit next to strangers. So there. Quiet down, you kids.

    The only time I ever recall being in a dollar store was when we were driving home from Wisconsin. We were somewhere in . . . Ohio, maybe? I went to get a pizza for dinner, and while I was waiting for it I went to the dollar store next store. Where I actually bought two t-shirts, because I was pretty much out of clean clothes at that point. They're thin and quite tight, one is purple, one is gray, and they feature brightly colored butterflies. The gray one has glitter on it. I get more compliments on those t-shirts than on anything else I wear, which I think is hilarious (or maybe just a commentary on how dull my wardrobe is generally).

  2. Next door, I meant. That was a weird mistake to make. Sorry. I've been awake since 4:45 a.m.

  3. I am not sure which made me laugh harder: Guano, or the idea of you sitting nude in a Ring Pop orgy. OMG.

  4. TOTALLY me and the hub's idea of a good date. We LOVE Dollar Tree (it can't be any other kind of second-rate dollar store) and we often buy our movie candy there (because, duh, we're cheap!). Dollar Tree, an empty theater and RDJ. Not too shabby.

  5. voting for the ring pop orgy. still laughing can't talk

  6. It's the 99Cent Store for me. Baking soda and peroxide and alcohol. And candy.

  7. I'm with the majority here. You had me at ring pop orgy!

  8. Sounds like a damn good time to me.

  9. If you ever have the opportunity to drop in at a Daiso store, take it! Japanese dollar store...crap in many languages!! (And also really cool stuff.)


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