Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Extreme Sabbath Mode - Decommissioned

It would be 100% impossible for my Sears Repair(ahem)man to have done a worse job "repairing" my oven and micro. And it would be wholly unfathomable to imagine a way that Sears' repair service, in general, could be more ineffective without actually burning my house down and handing me the bill.

There, I said it and it's out there. I no longer maintain the blind loyalty to Sears built from childhood memories of fully functioning Kenmore appliances that I did until this situation presented itself. I just don't.

I will say, however, that my oven and microwave have now been restored to their normal, nearly new, functioning state -which is a thing of great beauty since I've spent the last three weeks braving the ever-snapping jaws of the handle-free oven door so that Bubba and I could eat a few decent baked meals.

But to get back to my cathartic ranting, and to entertain you with the jackassery that is Sears in "repair" mode, allow me to recount for you some of the highlights of my early morning (since when does an 8-12N window show up at 8am on the dot?) appliance repair:
  1. The oven handle was "repaired" initially by installing it upside down. Yes, even though the warming drawer immediately below the oven door has the exact same handle which was obviously installed with the right side up and right there for reference.

    When he got all excited and called me away from my laptop to inspect his work I had to let him down easy by pointing to the handle and asking him patiently to, "...please go ahead and reinstall this properly as demonstrated by the handle on the warming drawer? ThanksIwillbeintheofficewhenyouaredonefuckingaround."

  2. I was informed, with much puppy dog-like excitement, that the microwave light bulbs that the previous technician ordered for me were, in fact, the incorrect wattage and that he, Mr. Great Sears Repairman To The Rescue, had gone ahead and ordered the correct bulbs that would be shipped to me At No Extra Charge, as though that were some great favor or reassurance.

    It was at this moment that I realized he was referring to the exterior light bulb (shines down on the oven below) rather than the interior light bulb (lights up my popcorn to make sure it doesn't blow up) which was the bulb which was actually broken and which the previous Not As Retarded As This Maniac Was Making Him Out To Be repairman had ordered.

    So, yes, today's repairman was informing me that my light bulbs were wrong when, in fact, it was he who was wrong and trying to jam a the wrong sized bulb into the wrong socket. This was another tender moment which I handled by barely rolling my eyes and just saying, "No, the exterior light is fine. It works. See...," *turning light on and off for effect*, "it is the light INSIDE the oven that needs a new bulb. See..." *opening and closing door for effect*.

    "OH!" Indeed.

    And before you get all, "Why didn't you just put in the new light bulb yourself, lazy ass." I will tell you that I considered it, but chose to act on pure principle because of my Inner Rage and Contempt for Sears.

    But, can we all just go ahead and say it together, for fun; dude wasn't the brightest bulb in the box.

  3. Also, finally, he scuffed the ever loving HELL out of my floors with his black rubber soled retard boots. That's it. I just thought it was stupid that they don't have a rule about appliance repair people wearing non-marking soled shoes since they spend all day long traipsing in and out of people's houses where there might be a floor made of a surface other than sparkly garage floor epoxy. My house is not a fucking auto shop, folks - we can stop acting like it is.

    And, no, he didn't notice this or offer to clean it up. So I got to spend ten minutes on my hands and knees thanking the good lord for inventing the Mr. Clean Magic Eraser so that I didn't have to spend the rest of my day hunting this bastard down with a crossbow and a floor mop that I do not own.
Anyway, I thought I'd update you all on the mind-numbing minutia of My Life with Sears and also tell you that I have a whole new fun thing to talk about and get your thoughts on which will be in a future post where I promise not to bitch about my oven or threaten bodily harm on any repairmen.

Unless, of course, another appliance breaks and I'm forced to activate another Sears warranty. In which case, I will resume my ranting with equal or greater enthusiasm.

Happy Baking!


  1. Oh how Sears has fallen. It used to be the epitome of the American Dream, durable appliances and dorky clothes at a decent price. Thankfully they haven't screwed with the tool section.

    Here's a nightmare scenario: Hypothetically,Sears buys your ISP or your wireless provider. Try sleeping after thinking about dealing with THAT repairman.

  2. Oy. Get this - when I had to call Sears to get our washer fixed, the repairman (who was rather....odd) called me into the laundry room to ask me if I wear underwire bras. Cause you know, sometimes the wire comes out and gets stuck places in the washer. AS IF I'm going to discuss my bra habits with the Sears repairman!!! Not happening. Ick.

  3. Hey, yeah! The 8-12 plumber was en route at 7:40 this morning. I mean, I was glad, but since when has that window ever indicated that you'd better be dressed by ten til?

    My guy wore the little slippers over his shoes. So sorry. And Sears has also seen the last of me for entirely different reasons, but I'm happy to add another justification thanks to your tale of woe.

  4. I can't wait to plop "jackassery" into a conversation.

    My Sears dude also wore little booties in the house. I thought it was a bit odd and over the top (can't they wipe their feet like the rest of the people who visit me?), but now I understand.

  5. You're hysterical Finny! Poor, poor repairman -- bet he didn't even see you coming! Can we now assume that you've learned your lesson and won't be shopping there anymore? When I was a little girl, my mom refused to step foot in Sears because of some "shoddy" (as she put it) baby clothes she had purchased. Therefore, it never became a staple in my life. Guess I had a shortcut to the lesson. ;-)

  6. Please tell me that you'll send this tale off to the Sears Repair Powers That Be. They should really know what a dofus they sent over. It also might get you on a 'never send dopes to this house' list.

    The other bonus is they might refund some of your dough. That happened with us when the installation dude installed the range hood with the wires poking out of the wall, running for three inches around the stud, then poking back in. Sigh.

  7. I was gonna say - I thought alot of the repair guys wore those little slip on covers these days - I know the Time Warner cable guy does (we're on our third cable box THIS WEEK! Finally someone's coming out tonite to figure out what's gone wrong!)

    As for Sears - when I was doing the big appliance shopping spree last summer, my boss told me to go to Sears for such great prices (we've learned not to trust his suggestions). We both felt SO dirty after coming out of there, with their sleazy "I just wanna make a commission" salesmen who weren't really willing to help you find what you wanted, but sure wanted to make sure you had their name if you DID make a purchase. Blech. No more Sears for us!

    Ended out trying, on a whim, hhgregg, and had REALLY great service, great pricing, a great deal since we were buying more than one appliance, etc. Sure, it still felt like he was being our best friend 'cause he knew we were looking for some big ticket items, but hey, I'll whore myself out and do the fake schmoozing if that's what it takes.

    So far, so good, no problems. Oh, and while our ranges look almost exactly the same, (I think the handles are different colors?), mine's a GE. I should post a pic... I assume you can replace that center grate with a griddle? Don't you love it!?

  8. He doesn't sound smart enough to have made your oven not go on protest for deeply un-kosher foods.

  9. I'm happy everything is fixed now. I understand your pain with repairmen. We had one muddy-soled fellow walk through my house (hardwood and carpet) and left terrible stains on my off-white carpet -- far WORSE than what my six children have done. I wanted to harm him.

  10. So I know this is sick of me, but I've been looking forward to the rant that I knew would follow a S*#^@ repair service day. And you delivered! And I feel delicious company in the frustration of dirty repair men (last repair guy in my house tried to lean a FILTHY, muddy cardboard box against one of my large original oil paintings - and then looked at me like I was the maniac when I moved it for him - TWICE), so I feel you and and will rant vicariously through you.

  11. It is so sad about Sears! My mom bought all her appliances from Sears because she knew a competent repairman would show up promptly if she had a problem.

    Oh, how they have slipped, and slipped, and slipped! It is a shame.

  12. Oh, and I almost forgot the advice my dear mom always gave me:

    "Don't ever let the repairman use your bathroom."

    It was never completely explained to me, but the thinking was along the lines that using the bathroom was only a ploy for him to go in and then come out naked, demanding sex. On this point, even the Sears men were not to be trusted.

  13. LOL!!!!!! I must send this post to my mother. We have had many stupid adventures with sears. Probably should stop shopping there, but I guess we were brainwashed by former working Kenmore reputation.

  14. oh dears...we just had one of those repairmen at house house to fix out fridge...yeah,
    anyway, love your blog! my husband and I laugh so hard we cry while reading it. Seriously. I think one night he was on here for over an hour reading your blog to me! you crack me up. I especially like your neighbors christmas lights. what a beautiful display!


[2013 update: You can't comment as an anonymous person anymore. Too many douchebags were leaving bullshit SPAM comments and my inbox was getting flooded, but if you're here to comment in a real way like a real person, go to it.]

Look at you commenting, that's fun.

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Sucks, right?

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