Thursday, November 16, 2006

Old tricks

I know I alude to the activity known as knitting with the blog title, and I also know that I haven't really posted a lot of evidence to support the fact that Finny actually Knits. Which is the main reason for this post. And also to share with you a story of sheer terror.

Story of knitting:

Once upon a time two weeks ago I was standing, mostly upright, in the tasting room at Gary Farrell with two of my best friends sharing some girlish banter and sips of the 04 Pinot. At some point Linda, mother of the aforementioned angelic goddaughter, siddled up to me, with a devlish look in her eye and started in on her sales pitch with the intent of "getting me" to craft a Christmas stocking for her offspring, my goddaughter, Emma.

It was really a ridiculous moment. Especially when she admitted that she had aimed to get me drunk so that I would agree.

Let's stop here so that you can join me in wondering when I became such an evil wench that one of my best friends would think that:

a.) I wouldn't throw down everything I was doing to craft ANYTHING for my goddaughter.


b.) That she'd have to "get me drunk" to convince me to do it.

And also,

c.) When did my life become so mundane that "getting me drunk" had nothing to do with getting me to take off my top and dance on the bar?

What if I start saying things like, "In my day..." and "When I was your age..." and shit like that?

Must not grow up. Must not grow up.

Anyway, at the end of our little drunken arm-twisting match I, of course, agreed (with unrestrained excitement) to craft the best stocking in the whole wide world with my very own hands in time for Ms. Emma's first Christmas. And to be used ever after.

What do you think so far? (It's not finished and it's in the process of being blocked here, so be gentle with your comments. I'm a tad fragile after the whole Wrap & Turn incident.)

I indulged in some Manos del Uruguay yarn and have set my fear of the unknown aside to contend with the beautiful pattern in Holiday Knits. So far I've had to learn at least two new techniques and sort out a lot of unecessarily complicated instructions, but I'm sure it'll be worth it. Otherwise I'm chucking this book through their front window.

Story of sheer terror:

At one point in our drunken meanderings between wineries Linda mentioned something about Emma coming to stay with Bubba and I when she was older.

Blank stare.

You know, during the summer for a week or so. So we could, like, bond and stuff.

Blank stare. Beads of sweat above upper lip.

As in, she intends for her innocent child to be in my house, under my care, without her there to intercede when I hand her my car keys and ask her to run to the store for some beer.

Blood comes out of ears.

I think I mumbled something to the affirmative into my wine glass, but it's hard to say since I was drinking the wine as quickly as possible to numb the terror gripping my very being. Not so little known fact - Finny is not so good with children. Or people under the age of, say, 21. The thought of being in charge of a childs life for more than the duration of her mother's stay in the bathroom strikes fear into my soul.

All I can say is that I better fill that stocking with a LOT of good stuff. That way she might forgive me one day when we're sitting in my living room and I start swearing at the TV. Or in the car when I start flipping the bird. Or when she finds Bubba and I playing grabass in the hallway.

It could be said that House of Finny and Bubba is not an appropriate environment for kids. I'm just saying. Either way though, she'll have a fancy ass Christmas stocking to remind her of the trauma.


  1. Ha! I love how this post is labeled 'Finny bitches'. You're a good writer. Hmmm, maybe the goddaughter deserves a book in the future too...
    Just sayin'.
    The stocking is amazing.

    On a different note, I was giving Bumblefunck a hard time about everyone in her family being named Bubba, and she wrote back with a ?. I was so confused. Then I realized YOU'VE got the Bubba. Oops. She just, uh, has a dog named Bubba. My bad.

  2. That stocking is going to be the best ever! Good job!

    And you're not alone in the 'don't leave your kids alone with Auntie' department. My brother still hasn't forgiven me for my niece coming home after a 3 hour afternoon babysitting incident. No mishaps, but she came home and in the cutest little 3 year old voice said, "Daddy doesn't have any tattoos. Auntie says Daddy is too conservative."

  3. Barb- HA! I love it!

    Bubba is my petname for the husband. I'd be referring to him as "hubby" on the blog, but it seemed to mundane for my tastes, so I decided to bring his real petname out into the open. I'm sure he's excited.

    Stay tuned for the grand finale of the stocking. I'm hoping to finish without stabbing myself or others.

    Caro - Thank you - I definitely need coaching. I'm also using your M1 reco on this bad boy. Good lord a lot of friggen techniques go into one stupid stocking. I should have realized that just because it was a BIG sock, it wouldn't be any easier than a normal sized sock. Grrrr. Learning is hard.

    And yes, I fully expect to traumatize my goddaughter by the time she's old enough to say, "Mommy, why does Auntie Jess say so many bad words?"

  4. Just another reason why we are connected somehow on a telepathic level, across the Atlantic.
    I indulged in some angora yarn in Stockholm in September and just yesterday finally broke out the knitting needles to start a hat. I'm trying to weave the whole thing into a post on Rome...just wait, I can do it!
    And, can I just say: that snowflake? Jealous. I still haven't attempted multi-colored knitting. And you thought that pillow pattern I sent you was tough? You've far surpassed me, little girl!

  5. Finny, that stocking is beautiful! You did such a nice job. I have no idea how you did that snowflake. My goodness!
    And doode, when Emma is 16 and wants to get away to her Auntie Jess's house, you are going to have so much fun with her. Just think! The shopping, the movies, the walks through San Francisco. Teaching a Phoenician some culture, etc!

  6. Shelley - I STILL will not attempt that pillow pattern. Why so many cables? Why so many I ask you?? Multicolored knitting is so way easy, which is why I do it. It looks fancy but it takes little to no extra effort. Turning a heel on a sock (or stocking), however, that shit is hard and annoying and usually turns out looking like crap. At least when I do it.

    Kell- Thank you for putting a nice spin on what will certainly be a harrowing adventure for young Emma in the event that her mom doesn't reconsider sending her to my sinners lair. One day I hope to be as optimistic.


[2013 update: You can't comment as an anonymous person anymore. Too many douchebags were leaving bullshit SPAM comments and my inbox was getting flooded, but if you're here to comment in a real way like a real person, go to it.]

Look at you commenting, that's fun.

So, here's the thing with commenting, unless you have an email address associated with your own profile, your comment will still post, but I won't have an email address with which to reply to you personally.

Sucks, right?

Anyway, to remedy this, I usually come back to my posts and post replies in the comment field with you.

But, if you ever want to email me directly to talk about pumpkins or shoes or what it's like to spend a good part of your day Swiffering - shoot me an email to finnyknitsATgmailDOTcom.