A really long explanation for my dog's Halloween costume

Firstly, I'm afraid that some of you need to seek out the greater resources of Google Images to refresh your memory on what a vagina does and does not look like. But, if you don't want searches for "what does a real vagina look like?" clogging the annals of your browser's history (do you like how I worked in "annals" there? I'm laughing at my own jokes right now.), let me tip you off by saying that it does not at all look like the photos you see on this blog.

Lest you think I've taken my picture taking too far.

And I know that you're just being your witty self, Decca, and that I totally laughed out loud into my laptop (whilst spraying tea hither and yon) when I saw that your guess for Jada's costume was haHAha - a vagina.

Also I've stored this away as an idea for future Halloween costumes. For the dog. Because I'm obviously an abusive pet owner with a strange sense of humor.

OK - on to the dog's actual costume then...

Vagina!

Just kidding. Sorry, too funny to resist.

For many of you (Hi geniuses!) this wasn't a hard costume to guess because even though I thought those clues were shitty, they apparently were not OR you all have imaginative minds that can conjure up costumes in which crazy people might dress their dogs so that they will match an orange bridesmaid dress.

You people lead bizarre lives, you know that? I mean, that's just insanity! Who matches dog's outfits to bridesmaid dresses?

Oh right. Me.

Anyway, Jada is going as a Tootsie Roll, which I hope you find as amusing as I do.

Jada, personally, finds it to be a delicious idea.

And how did I think up this masterpiece of animal abuse? Well, here's the story.

Didn't you want the story in addition to the dog photos? Sure you did. Here we go.

So, I was knitting the #1 sleeve of my sweater-in-progress when my mind wandered off to Should I Dress Up For Halloween Land. And in this land I wasn't sitting well with the idea of not dressing up.

Why?

Because, at my office, we treat Halloween like it's all the holidays plus a rollicking carnival rolled into one, when judged by the enthusiasm of the festivities and the widespread participation of the employees.

Everyone dresses up. Or so it seems. I mean, there are a lot of people that just look like a freak every day, so you can't really tell if that's a costume or if they are just wearing their weekend drag outfit, but for the most part, people dress up, make merry, enter their dogs/kids/selves/teams in costume contests, eat a lot of food shaped like spiders and drink suspiciously-colored beverages.

And to not participate would feel weird. Like being the only vegetarian at Oktoberfest or something.

So, this was weighing on me when I decided that I should definitely dress up, but if I was going to dress up, I needed to wear one of my bridesmaid dresses in order to get another wear out of something that was, in most cases, otherwise unwearable.

And before any of you lovely friends of mine who honored me with the title of bridesmaid in your wedding get all "Well, pfffffff! If she didn't like the dress, she should have said something!" or "I had to wear a black dress in your wedding HOW UGLY" or whatever, let me just say that I happily wore your dress to your wedding and no matter how many times you say, "It's so cute you can totally wear it again!", it's still not true.

I just don't lead a life where I can wear a two-toned orange satin dress or a tea-length pink dress with sheer overlay or a floor-length sea foam number with corset or a gold halter dress with train or a red wrapped-bodice gown bestudded with rhinestones. I just don't. And you should be glad, because if I did, we might have never crossed paths and become the great friends we are today.

OK? We all feel better now? Good. And feel free to reuse your hideous black dress from my wedding as a trash bag. No hard feelings.

Back to the issue at hand - my costume. See, while the pink, red, gold and sea foam dresses weren't that difficult to work into costumes (Stepford Wife, Evil Tooth Fairy, The Drunk Bridesmaid, Emmy Award, costume for my "Wear a Bridesmaid Dress to a Bridal Shower" party), the orange dress (Hi Chelle! Love you!) was more of a challenge.

Last year I was thinking of wearing the dress and going as Lisa Simpson until I realized that Lisa's dress is red rather than orange. Boo. Then Bubba and I hatched the idea of the Evil Tooth Fairy and that went better with the pink dress, so off I went to haul it out of the spare bedroom closet for a second Halloween go around (that's three uses right there! WOO! Thanks Lin!).

We batted around ideas for the orange dress, but they were all fruity or stupid or not amusing enough to motivate me to pull together other pieces to make into a costume. Things like, "Halloween Fairy", "Autumn", "Pumpkin Lady", "Tanning Booth Fatality". You can see why I was left uninspired.

Until this sleeve-knitting moment when I started thinking about orange things other than pumpkins that have to do with Halloween. Not surprisingly, my mind immediately went to candy. And what is the most classic of all Halloween candy? Candy corns.

Not because they're delicious, mind you, but because they've just been around forever and I think we keep handing their legacy down through the generations because we're each afraid to be the one who finally goes, "You know. These aren't good. We should just stop making them and instead focus our efforts on making bigger Reese's peanut butter cups." Because that, friends, is a real Halloween candy. And I think the peanut butter inside is vaguely orange, right?

Anyway, aside from the fact that candy corns aren't all that good, they are still inextricably Halloween-ish and, in great part, orange in color. One might even say that they are one of the classic Halloween treats. Right up there with popcorn balls, wax lips, Smarties and TEE DAH! Tootsie Rolls.

And, say it along with me, wouldn't it be cute (stupid, retarded) if I went as a candy corn and Jada went as a Tootsie Roll?

We could be, like, (and this is where Bubba's opinion and mine diverge) Classic Halloween Treats! Since, you know, we're such treats to begin with.

Bubba thought we could be, "The candy that's still leftover at Thanksgiving because it's crap.", but I found that to be slightly less inspiring and more of a mouthful, so we decided to go with my idea instead. Not that I'm going to be creating name tags or anything, but if we need a title for the Group Costume Contest (oh yes, I'm *this* big of a loser right now), then mine will fit better on the sign-up sheet. I think.

I'll feel better about myself anyway.

After this unfortunate decision on the naming rights of our project, Bubba's input sort of stopped until Jada was presented in the various phases of her costume development. This was so that he could tell me how skilled I was at making candy-shaped outfits for our dog.

Because, of course, first I had to make the body and make sure it fit before moving on to more decorative aspects like the ruffled collar/wrapper, stunning red stripes and authentic Tootsie Roll lettering, and who better to judge the fit of a dog's costume than the man who was busy dialing the local loony bin to see if they offered a pick-up service for deranged seamstresses.

It's hard to tell from the photo (and her sad face), but her tail is wagging very happily in all these shots.

See how her tail looks blurry? Yes - that's joy.

You can actually see the blurry tail in this picture. I promise - authentic happiness.

Despite his objection to costuming the dog, Bubba did agree that the costume creating went well and that our dog looked as much like a Tootsie Roll as was possible given her fur, legs, size and general dog-ness.

As for my candy corn costume, well, there's an orange bridesmaid dress involved, but beyond that, I haven't put together enough of it to model it for you, but I will. And to hold you over until that glorious moment arrives, you can enjoy looking at my new yellow shoes that I'll probably wear to work after Halloween prompting people to wonder what other Halloween costume items I've worked in to my regular outfit rotation.

What? You didn't think I was going to buy shoes I couldn't rewear did you? That'd be crazy.

None of those bridesmaid dresses, though, that's for sure.