Good job, peckerhead.

I think I just threw up.

Know what that is? A LOT of Bermudagrass. So much that I had to use a full grown dog for perspective.

See how the big pile of weeds looks like it could eat Jada if it were to spontaneously (and frighteningly) animate with a born-in beef with canines?

Yeah - that shit's scary.

Even scarier is when it's growing all surreptitiously beneath and between FOUR layers of landscape fabric, just looking for the tiniest slice of leeway so that it can burrow its evil way through the soil and into *GASP* the vegetable beds.

HOLY SHIT I KNOW.

Now you see why we had to kill it. KILL IT UNTIL IT WAS DEAD. Of course, time will tell whether we actually got it all, but we used Bubba's tried and true method and that soil is now buried under, yes, a 5th layer of contractor grade landscape fabric and will soon be buried under more bark mulch. 

And my careful and protective eye will be scouring the landscape for any suspicious looking sharp green pointy-ness that has the smackings of Bermudagrass. And if I see any - BOY HOWDY - that stuff better have its insurance premiums paid in full because I will not rest until I've eradicated every last hairy root of it.

For those of you who said you cultivate and reseed and grow this stuff with reckless abandon - keep yourselves east of the Mississippi, k? I see you walking around these parts, all weighted down with stray Bermudagrass seed, I might accidentally roll you in a tarp like the one you see in that photo above and set you out at the curb on trash day.

I just can't have Bermudagrass re-infesting my yard! You understand! Don't look at me like that!

In other less psychopathic news, I am excited to report that every last sumptuous crumb of that glorious hand-crafted garden soil made it back into the beds successfully.

And, phew.

Granted, it doesn't look that sumptuous right now, since the soil has dried a bit since shoveling (and shoveling and shoveling and shoveling) it back from the big steaming pile, but I assure you, its suptuousnessocity is unparalleled. It's had more than two weeks to simmer and smolder and cook down the nitrogen-rich fava bean matter under its plastic sauna and when I shoveled it back into the beds yesterday, it was crumbly and wormy and dark and OH JUST THE BEST.

I may even go out on a limb here and say that when I test it, and I will test it, the deficiencies will be slight - if at all. I know! Big talk! But we'll see...I'm still going to test it to be sure.

And I suggest you do, too - test your soil that is. It sounds like a pain and like it's really boring and there are some people out there who will argue whether those soil test kits from the hardware store are really accurate or meaningful and I am here to tell you that my answers to all that are Yes, Yes and As far as I can tell, they are.

To be clear:

Yes - it's a pain

Yes - it's really boring

As far as I can tell, these soil test kits from the hardware store produce meaningful results

And if you doubt me on any of these points, I will direct your attention to the 200+ lbs of tomatoes I grew from just four plants and the 273 lbs of produce I grew altogether last year. 

You don't grow 273 lbs of produce from a 90 square foot garden if your soil's shitty, folks. And, at one point, I had shitty soil. And then I tested it. And I amended it (organically) accordingly. And then I grew 200+ lbs of tomatoes from four plants in one season. So there. If the soil test kit was useless, then oh well, it at least got me to adding enough amendment to bring my soil into good health WITHOUT overdoing it.

See, that's the other end of the soil spectrum. You can have inert and useless soil like I had or you can have scorchingly over amended soil with too much of any number of things and actually end up frying your plants. Both ways are bad.

So, why be bad? At least in this case. You can test to find out just how much you need to add and then add it. And then grow a lot of tomatoes (and cucumbers and melons and beans and herbs and peppers and tomatillos - but always two plants - and so on). 

Just don't neglect your soil, OK? If I were Bob Barker, I'd be saying something about having your pets spayed and neutered right now - it's only the right thing to do.

But that's not my thing - do with your pets what you will - but with your soil - please test it. And then grow a lot of fantastic vegetables.

And if you find Bermudagrass - TEAR IT THE FUCK OUT. Then lay down another layer of landscape fabric, cover it in bark mulch (that's next) and get to installing your bees (4/7), planting your vegetables and living happily ever after this summer, peckerheads.