Monday, December 20, 2010

Last minute gifts for everyone,

Even given the crimes against my eyeballs happening on my street, I'm still giving my neighbors their holiday love.

Love in the form of tea, bread and cookies - not like real whore love. Nasties.

Because I'm a Big Man like that.

I can look past the blinking dinner plate-sized snowflakes hanging from your spindly Japanese maple long enough to hang festive cookies and tea from your doorknob.

I give you this and then, as a thank you, you let me pummel your lawn Santa.

Of course, I may kick your half-deflated Santa on Jesus' Motorcycle on my way down your driveway, but you won't know because you'll be too distracted by the ginger snaps and Divine Twine. That's my thinking anyway.

And, allow me to say this, if you didn't want people kicking at your decorations, you shouldn't leave them so close to the sidewalk where errant toes could just FLY OUT OF NOWHERE and punt them right in the fake gas tank.

You know what I'm saying.

So, yeah - this year I'm doing much the same as I've done in years past except that in addition to the lovely breads some of my neighbors will receive, others will get ginger snaps and all will get a bag of tea (which I will not call a Tea Bag, for obvious reasons) and this bag of tea will be serving as the gift tag because...

A. I'm super creative and that is a fun new twist on the boring conventional gift tag
B. I'm super lazy and the thought of procuring gift tags is way beyond my realm of interest or ability right now
C. I'm super cool and that's what super cool people do

Any of these answers suit me fine, but A. would be an overstatement of my creativity, B. makes me sound like a horse's ass and C. is completely impossible and therefore not really an option at all.

Don't lie. You like this idea and want to steal it for your own.

And, just in case I don't get back to the blog between now and when the snow stops flying in Tahoe, here is my gift to you - a festive holiday rant about a few neighbors who, if they lived near me, would not only get a kick to the junk with my pointed boots, but also would not receive cookies, and instead a nice steaming gift from Jada beneath their plastic and electrified white Christmas tree.

Though it'd be hard to decide just *where* to point the dog's ass, now wouldn't it?

Someone tell me what Raggedy Andy and a panda have to do with Christmas, please.

Home Depot and NASCAR in the same scene? This IS Bethlehem! Wait, no, it's a trailer park.

Apparently Tom Hanks has been ousted from his position on the North Pole Express because Santa is a cheap whore.

And here we have FOUR fucking Santas in one Christmas scene because otherwise some kid might not be emotionally maimed by this holiday after missing the first three.

"I can work up a dump in 2 seconds flat, so don't provoke me."

And as a gift to me, because I AM part of *everyone* after all, I got myself  a new pair of goggles after Tahoe spiked my ass and broke my old ones.

Guess I should just be glad that these goggles can absorb the impact of a human meteor meeting the earth at cartwheeling light speed.


  1. Someone at work gave me an eggnog smelling candle and I thought that was shit. So it's now sitting in my asshole neighbor's mailbox.

    MY neighbors got homemade truffles. Which I may or may not have eaten about 6 before boxing them up. Which is why one neighbor is getting the gross candle.

  2. Oh don't be dissin' my blow-up Santa-on-a-Harley!

    (Hubbie insists we put it up - Really!)


    Word Verification: horso - Oh, the mind reels at the possible responses!

  3. SHUT UP. That much ugliness simple cannt exist on a single street or even neighborhood. Where do you live? There should be laws against that. IN fact, I'm pretty sure there are.

    My neighbors' dog ate my garden this year. They don't get shit.

  4. Man, you're one of those NICE neighbors. Us neighbors in my neighborhood don't really even speak to each other, so you know there will be no trading of gifties. And really. Don't you know the Raggedy Anne/Panda Bear Christmas Carol? It's a classic.

  5. A real gift would be to tea-bag ALL your neighbors.


  6. I have a neighbor who qualifies for a special Jada delivery. Does she ship to Northern California?

    I might combine your genius and hang poo in a decorative holiday bag on her door WITH a SUPER cool tea bag delivering cheer and merriment.


[2013 update: You can't comment as an anonymous person anymore. Too many douchebags were leaving bullshit SPAM comments and my inbox was getting flooded, but if you're here to comment in a real way like a real person, go to it.]

Look at you commenting, that's fun.

So, here's the thing with commenting, unless you have an email address associated with your own profile, your comment will still post, but I won't have an email address with which to reply to you personally.

Sucks, right?

Anyway, to remedy this, I usually come back to my posts and post replies in the comment field with you.

But, if you ever want to email me directly to talk about pumpkins or shoes or what it's like to spend a good part of your day Swiffering - shoot me an email to finnyknitsATgmailDOTcom.