I WILL EAT YOU ALL RIGHT NOW. |
I am here to tell you, people, that making grape juice - at least from Concord grapes - is a thankless, messy, not-worth-it endeavor.
Firstly, there's the stripping of grapes from stems. This isn't too bad and it gives you a chance to eat a bunch of them like a wild animal while some husband naps unknowingly in the other room, his store of grapes diminishing by the second.
Secondly, there's the rinsing of said stripped grapes. This isn't too bad either, except that since these are slip skin grapes, their friggen skins slip right off, so you're always wondering whether that's a bad mushy grape you're touching or just a slimy slipped skin. Thankfully, this was mostly just slipped skins and random debris. Though I think there was a spider web in there and that freaked me out.
Thirdly, (and what should probably be fourthly and fifthly for the amount of mess it made) there's the juicing. See, I thought I was taking the easy road, which, incidentally, is my oft-taken route, by hauling the juicer out from the garage to lay waste to the 10 pounds of rinsed grapes in my strainer.
This will be CAKE, I believe I said aloud just like a douchebag might.
And then it was most certainly not CAKE.
What I'm saying is that I do believe that I will be cleaning grape juice off of the white cabinets in my kitchen for many years to come. Also, what idiot chose white cabinets for our ultra busy kitchen?
Anyway, once I got done shoving handfuls of slippery grapes into the juicer while attempting futilely to cover the fill hole, I had about 6 cups of something grape like in my big Pyrex pitcher and about a half gallon sprayed all crime scene-like across my kitchen.
Fourthly, there was the straining. OH MY GOD THE STRAINING. See, friends, grapes have that lovely gelatinous texture to them that lends so well to making jam and jelly and to slipping of skins and general grape enjoyment and that gelatin has to go somewhere during the juicing process and that somewhere is into the strainer to block all the juice from going through.
The straining process was, well, straining. It took for-fucking-ever. I strained and strained until I could strain no more (dodging all kinds of cliche bullets right there, I just want you to know. I do this for you. Enjoy.) and then I put what was left into the big glass Pyrex to "settle" in the fridge overnight.
For the record, I should have just done this first and not strained a god damned thing because what emerged from the fridge after 24 hours was nothing short of a miracle.
Also, I'm pissed I didn't photograph it because it was truly remarkable and also I'm never going through this process again, so you're just going to have to try the miracle for yourself. Be sure to have a cocktail nearby though, because you'll need it.
See, when this juiced grape business sits overnight in the fridge, the solids float to the top and form a solid gelatinous layer that can be easily removed with a spoon. Seriously, the shit's like Jell-o.
Fifthly, there's the decanting of your freshly squeezed 10 pounds of grapes' juice into 1/3 of a 1 liter bottle.
SERIOUSLY? |
Yeah, after all that tunnel-visioned, hangover-tainted, gonna-puke-in-the-neighbors'-roses, been-straining-myself-purple-and-coloring-my-kitchen-like-a-crime-scene juicing, I got a measly 11 ounces of juice.
Seriously. |
I just finished the last glass.
I didn't add any sugar, water, other weird flavorings or anything. Just drank it super cold over a few ice cubes and WOW. So good.
Not tunnel-visioned, hangover-tainted, gonna-puke-in-the-neighbors'-roses, been-straining-myself-purple-and-coloring-my-kitchen-like-a-crime-scene juicing good, but not bad in any way.
Just a LOT of work for not a lot of juice.
So, yeah, not doing that again. I'll just eat my grapes, thankyouverymuch. Or make jam or jelly. That I can do. I think.
See?!! I told'ja to make jelly!
ReplyDeleteBTW - Does this mean I can't pawn grapes off on you whenever (IF-ever) my grape decides to start producing anything noteworthy???
Thx for sharing (and sparing me the agony!)
xoxo
-QT (The Bacon Queen!)
I would ride a LONG WAY for apricots. Because we don't grow them. Concord grapes, however, we do grow. And I make juice thusly: Rinse--don't worry too much about picking over. Put in a pot, bring to a boil and smash 'wm with a potato masher. Strain through a fine mesh strainer. That's it. Easy. Still kinda messy, but not as messy as an actual juicer, I bet. But mulberry juice is a thousand times worse.
ReplyDeleteBleah, I hate it when I discover halfway through a new project that it's well-nigh impossible. I think we actually have a grape juicer; it looks like a mini-cider press. We've never used it (no grapes), so it's mostly a dust collector.
ReplyDeletelmfao
ReplyDeleteNoted. Yet another reason I love reading the blog. You remind me of what not to bother with!
ReplyDelete