Adopt a Crop update: Pickle CHiPs Visitor

First of all, please don't try to tell me that you don't get my CHIPS joke here (as lame as it may be), because it's impossible that everyone in the whole wide world (and of every generation thank you) hasn't seen CHiPs from back when Erik Estrada was hotness in his CHP uni.

Just don't even try to tell me that.

However, if you're singing the theme song in your head right now (too) - bonus points!

For what, I don't know, but they're bonus points so just take them and like it.

NOW - on to the Adopt a Crop update which is:

Pickle Chips (are you getting the joke now? No? Geez.)

As in, we have hamburger-ready pickle chips as a result of the lemon cucumber seeds planted in my garden back in March, that sprouted in April, put out new leaves a few days later, germinated with ferocity, set blooms in an All Natural Cage-Free environment, and then set fruit at a rate unequaled in all of gardendom.

So then, last weekend I stood toe-to-toe with my new enormo Cuisinart and set out to make chips of those cucumbers, if it was the last thing I did.

Why yes, that IS me reflected in the stylish chrome facing of the food prep. Whoopsy.

And yes, it was very dramatic.

Of course, the real drama came about three weeks ago when I had some of my first lemon cucumbers and decided, on a whim (those nasty dream-crushing whims) to test out the Supah Secret Slicing Blade that had until earlier this year been hiding away in my cupboard.

And oh was I excited to put this newly discovered piece of kitchen gadgetry to work!

Sadly, it was not to be.

And why not?

Because the Food Tube (why do I love this term?) on my weeny 3 cup food processor bowl was too narrow for the likes of my bulbousy (new word alert!) lemon cucumbers. Oh sadness.

I tried jamming it in there extra hard (whoa), but alas, all my Forcing It skills were no match for the too-small food processor.

And then I think you know exactly what I did. I went to Amazon and hunted down the largest food processor (Cuisinart only though, thank you for playing) I could get my greedy hands on and then purchased a 14-cup monster that could adequately manage the girth of my cucumbers.

WOW THAT'S NAUGHTY.

And when that baby arrived? Oh mutha, did we have a moment.

I *may* have hugged this beast to my bosom. *MAY HAVE!*

You don't see any bosom prints, do you? Well then. Now who feels silly?

Anyway, throughout my whole shortish long run on Saturday morning, all I thought about was making pickle chips, because that's how ridic my life is, and when I was done running (and showered, dressed, fed, etc) I set out to make this dream come true.

To say that this Cuisinart is the perfect tool for a Cucumber Take Down is to put it lightly. This beast made those cucumbers his bitch.

And that, my friends, is what 7 lbs of cucumbers look like as chips.

And quiet?

Holy. Super quiet. Not at all like the freight train I have in my 3 cup processor. I don't get it.

But this isn't a review of the Cuisinart. This is me telling y'all that I have now produced Pickle Chips from what originally was nothing more than a $2.95 packet of seeds. And that I'm ready to ship a jar of pickle chips off to a lucky pickle chip lover.

Hint: It's one of these jars.

And, GOOD NEWS, this year you don't have to wait for them to, like, stew in their own juices for six months or whatever. OH NO. This year I used a magic pickling spice that, hold on to your britches, actually infused these chips with lip puckering dilly-ness in 24 hours.

This was the pickle taste test. PASS.

Oh yes. I've tried them. They are dill-icious.

Oh my god. Spank me for typing that last sentence. I am disappointed in myself.

Anyway, they're good is what I'm trying to say. And you can eat them direct from the jar when you get them and call them Pickle Appetizer like I do when I want to justify eating pickles with a fork from the jar or in a big pile as though they are a proper meal or snack.

That's 4 1/2 total quarts of snacks right there.

Which I believe they are.

Anyway.

If you voted for Lemon cucumbers/Pickle Chips or you like pickle chips (remember, these are dill - not fruity disgusting SWEET pickles which are the devil) or you've read along with this riveting account of crop-ness since spring and feel you're owed something, feel free to leave a comment by 8/16/09 stating your desire for pickles and I'll pick a name via the random name chooser thingee, alert the public as to the winner and send out Erik Pickle CHiPs Estrada for a visit.

Super cool sunglasses and suggestive uniform not included.