The Great-ish Pumpkin, Charlie Brown

Dear Donk,

DUDE, I KNOW!

I saw that article in Sunset and thought of you and all the misbehaving fun we had on our New Mexico trip, too. What WERE we thinking running across that bridge in the pouring rain? In our flip flops and skirts, you know. Then it snowed and we got out right in it because, oh, I *had* to have a photo of our flip flopped feet in the snow.

Don't you think everyone thought we were locals?

And, hello, are all these magazine publishers, like, reading our minds/blogs or what? Trips to New Mexico, pumpkin EVERYTHING, bias tape sewing patterns and - what is this? - "In Stitches"? Coincidence? Hmmm? Dunno. But, I am clearly very modest and humble.

Meanwhile, I know what you mean about Monster Stewart Living - I'm letting my subscription run out. In my opinion, it's jumped the shark. I mean, do we need a whole section dedicated to copper pots? Neow.

I also do not need to see photos or read long boring ass articles about Martha moving house. As though *she*, herself, is actually doing any of the moving. Um, right. I don't need lectures on properly bubble wrapping creamware (do real people own this shit even?) from someone I doubt has unpacked a box in recent memory. It's all gotten very "No, really, I'm still a real person who loads the dishwasher! Seeeeeeeeee?" over there and, frankly, I'm not buying it. Plus the layout and photos seem dreary and ugly lately which just makes it harder to gloss over the boringness of it all.

I won't lie. I like pretty pictures.

And, while we're on the subject, I will also be letting my Shape, InStyle and Domino magazines run out because they are redundant, ridiculously full of stinky ads and dangerous vacation suggestions and clearly designed for people with decorating taste different than my own, respectively.

I'm sorry, but any magazine that presents renting a scooter in Rome as a viable transportation option for leisurely tourist shopping is just plain out of touch with reality. And I'm frankly doubtful that whomever penned the article has ever been to Rome, because if they had, they'd realize what an inane idea it would be for a tourist, or sane human being really, to rent a scooter with the intention of riding it through the narrow, crowded and lawless cobblestone streets of Rome, especially if they've just touched down at Leonardo da Vinci from some far off land that probably has driving laws. Having ridden in cars through those same streets and seeing the recklessness with which all drivers; automobile, motorino (scooter) and bicycle alike, conduct themselves - I wouldn't get involved with a scooter unless I was a single woman, the scooter was manned by a fabulously sexy Italian man, we both had helmets and it was the last day I expected to live. Which it would be, because I'd be getting on a scooter for a ride around Rome.

Anyway, there are a million other reasons that InStyle has been on the bubble with me, but this article tears it. Diss.

Shape is just the same information paired with different pictures of the same models doing the same exercises with different equipment in every issue. I'm also sure I don't need to be reminded, again, to drink lots of water, there's no real cure for cellulite and if you eat more calories than you burn then you will gain weight. This is truly one of those, if you've seen it once, you've seen it all, kind of things. Diss.

Domino is, well, not my gig. While I thought it was, during one brief flipping session during a boring and poorly attended "all-hands" meeting, it has turned out to be little more than a showcase of a lot of ugly crap I don't want in my house/on my body. Every now and then they hit on something vaguely groovy and the concept of the magazine seems cool, something about living with style with an undercurrent of "don't buy all your housewares from Potterybarn", but the execution always leaves me thinking, "If I ever see a room that looks like this, I will definitely throw up." Diss.

In the mean time, I will be keeping my subscriptions to Sunset and Craftzine and will be considering a subscription to Real Simple, even though I have proof that their subscription department is manned by retarded monkeys. Something to do with a gift subscription for my grandma that went terribly and inexplicably awry. I'll tell you later.

When did this turn into my Fall Magazine Review? I'm sorry - that is your department. But I'm glad you feel the same way. I was just starting to think that I was the only one jumping off the Martha bandwagon. But, nuh-uh.

So, about that sweater pattern, I could say I love it or even LURVE it, but I'm not sure that would properly convey my truest emotion. I have a crush on it - already after only a few minutes of looking at it. Where do I find this pattern? I have to copy you because I like it that much. I want it on my bod-ay! Anyway, totally pass on the Lion yarn, but the pattern is fab. Let us both knit one and then we can wear them together like idiots. It'll be grand.

And, sadly, I haven't started my project yet either. I don't know what it is, but I'm sure it has something to do with the fact that I haven't had a single weekend moment free since godonlyknowswhen to contemplate something that involves both patchwork and hand-stitching. Did you know this pattern had both? I did not. Anyway, I'll let you know when I start down this scary winding road with patchwork. Yipes.

Hey, before I end this really long post email to you, check out my wicked big-ish pumpkin:

She was supposed to be a hundred-pounder, according to the super optimistic folks at Burpee, but Bubba thinks she's probably only around 25 lbs or so. Having lifted her from the wheelbarrow onto these 2x4s (under the roof cover so as not to get wet and moldy before Halloween, you know) I can say she's definitely a heavy one and I personally think she's much heavier than 25 lbs. I had to grunt to pick her up is how I know.

So, I'm not holding a grudge, even though she's only a quarter of the estimated weight of normal Big Max pumpkins, because she was the only pumpkin to emerge from the patch this year after having sucked the ever loving life out of the rest of the little pumpkins on the plant. Hogitha!

In sum, I agree that our trip was fab, magazines are semi-sucking, the sweater pattern is IWANTITSOBAD and the project is on the to-do list.

Hey, are you dressing up for Halloween? Anyone? I need inspiration. We take Halloween dressing up seriously at work and I don't want to be shamed by my coworkers. I am trying to wear another bridesmaid's dress this year (the only way I can think of to re-wear these expensive POSs), so any ideas along these lines would be fab. In the past I have been a Stepford Wife (pink bridesmaid's dress) and The Drunk Bridesmaid (red bridesmaid's dress). I also have a celery green full length thing and an orange strapless knee length thing. Oh and a gold one that is so heinous I don't want to wear it ever and I think I gave it away, nevermind.

Ideas, people!

xo
Finny